Do you feel like a mom?

A daughter is a gift of love. ~Author Unknown

Diem and I have been doing a lot of bonding lately. With the recent death of Cortney, I have decided I needed to start writing to Diem. Especially during the times she is with her dad. She is the greatest blessing in my life. I dont know where I would be today with out her. Most people know Diem's birth story. A lot of people dont know.

My friend Breanna posted on her facebook today... that she still doesnt feel like a mom. She recently just gave birth to a little girl named Aubrey. I wrote her telling her how I didnt feel like a mom right away. A lot of people experience the feeling of being a momma while they are pregnant. I didnt. I didnt feel like a mom when I gave birth. I didnt feel like a mom getting up at 3 am feedings. I didnt feel like a mom until about when Diem was 3 months old. I think that was the first time I had a AH HA! I am a momma now moment. I still remember that day vividly. I still kick myself to this day.

Her dad and I were getting ready to go to Disneyland during our college spring break week. My dad was living with me to help out with Diem while D's dad and I went to college full time. He had left a few days before us leaving to visit my brother down in Texas. It was the day we were leaving and Diem's dad heard her making weird noises in her crib. She already had cold/flu like symptoms. We were pending on Diem's medical insurance... We called all over town to see if anyone would take her. We lived in Mount Pleasant Iowa and the only place that would take us at that time was in Burlington about 20 minutes away or so. We loaded up my jeep, and off we went to her first real live doctors appointment in Iowa. I am pretty calm... DD was driving, and I was passenger. We get to the doctors, fill out the paper work, and we are getting in really quick. Doctor Paragas wasnt with us more than 5 minutes when he rushed us to the hospital. He thinks its nothing, but he wants to make sure it isnt RSV (Respiratory syncytial virus ). We are in the Emergency Room. I am instantly freaking out. WHAT THE HELL HAVE I BEEN THINKING IS JUST THE COMMON COLD?! We tell the doctors we have a flight we have to catch tonight, and we just need to make sure she is okay to fly. Long story short... she gets a chest xray, and a heel prick. We were told that they were sure it was nothing. They come back with Diem's lab results and they look at us and say. BAD NEWS YOU GUYS ARE QUARANTINED. We get put up in the room, we cant leave. DD runs back to Mount Pleasant to get us all the things we need. I am freaking out, and I dont want to leave her. The doctors in Diem's unit and team were telling us she was the youngest infant they have seen that year with it, and if she wasnt treated.... she could die.

This was probably the first time I realized I was a mom.

During our stay of 4 days, I would not leave her side, I barely left her side to pee. I didnt eat, sleep NOTHING. The nurse informed DD of my behavior, and she gave us an extra meal ticket and told us to go take our time in the cafeteria. DD had to practically drag me out of there. During our walk to the elevator, I kept turning around to look back. Tears constantly streaming down my face. WHAT HAVE I DONE TO MY CHILD? I felt like a horrible person for the longest time about that day. I still feel that way when she gets really sick... Should I over react? Should I underreact? That is when you know youre a mama!!!